September 17, 2007

Give me a reason why I should not ask her back ever - ARTICLE

Of course you can ask her out again if you want to...

What I understand is that you do want to move on.

You do want to forget about her but the belief that you could get back together holds you back, right?

So, here are some reasons that will stop you from asking her out in the future:
  • She broke up with you. This means that she no longer wants to be with you. Unless she gives you clear signs that she changed her mind, she will probably reject your offer.
  • Se might have someone else in her life, be married or be committed.
  • She might perceive you as needy or clingy.
  • The reasons she wanted to break up with you in the first place are still there.
  • She did outgrow the relationship. She knows everything about you and the sense of excitement you feel when you meet someone for the first time is no longer there.

Now the best way to move on is to understand everything you need to understand from this break up.

This means really seeing the reasons for the end of the relationship so that you can make appropriate changes (if needed) in the way you stand in a relationship in the future.

Sometimes, this means making subtle changes in the way you approach a relationship like getting rid of jealousy and possessiveness, giving her a different type of attention, focusing on fun rather than long term security, etc.

There can be dozens of reasons for a relationship to "dry out" or become limiting for one or both partners.

Find out exactly what the limiting factor for him was:

  • Was it simply falling out of love?
  • Meeting someone new?
  • Tensions in your relationship?
  • Something else?

Take some time to find out.

Take this example:

If you build a house and its roof collapses, you want to understand what went wrong, right?

Sometimes, it is due to the natural aging of the structure. Other times, you can see real mistakes and realize that you need to use other materials or architectural frame for the building. It can as well be the wrong location or bad timing.

This is why it is extremely important to take a moment (a week to a month) to understand what you would do differently if you were in a new relationship.

There is something else to accept as well: natural relationship life span.

Nowadays, this life span is much shorter than it was 50 or 100 years ago.

The average marriage lasts 7 years in the US.

A couple who divorces is not an exception, it is a norm.

Partners simply seem to explore most aspects of their relationship faster and reach this point where they simply want to move out and find something new.

I think this has to do with modern needs in human nature.

Sometimes, it is easier to simply accept this natural cycle and move on rather than trying to stretch a relationship with focus and determination.

You can see it that way: a relationship which ends after 7 years (or 3 or 12 or 1 year) did not fail; it simply comes to a natural end.

It was successful while it lasted.

The end of a cycle does not mean failure; it can mean call for a new one or a new beginning.

I am aware that not everyone will embrace this idea.

You can blame yourself, think that it was a mistake, feel guilt, pressure and judgment from yourself and society or you can simply let go and think:

"You know what? I did my best. There seems to be forces at play which are stronger. These forces have another plan in mind. Let's see what happens if I simply go with the flow..."

To your power!