June 4, 2009

I feel like she used me! - ARTICLE

Yes! Sometimes that's the impression you can get.

Let me put this in a different light though, so that negative feelings don't hang around for too long.

If you paint a landscape, you can highlight the shapes or the colors or the zones of light or the zones of shadow, right?

And guess what?

It is still the same landscape!

The image we paint is ALWAYS an approximation of reality.

No matter how skilled you are, what you paint is still and inexact attempt to describe what truly is.

Different people will see different tings depending on the filter of their mind, their past experience, skills or emotional state.

So... With your relationship, it is EXACTLY the same: you can describe her actions from a place of shadow, imagining that everything she did was a silent conspiracy to make you unhappy and miserable.

You can as well believe that she had some hidden agenda and wanted to use you as a stepping stone to get what she wanted.

She might have been after you for money, gifts, emotional support in a difficult period or even simply used you for lust.

The thing is that, this type of description usually leaves aside a whole aspect of your relationship made of true feelings, deep emotions and a real connection between two human beings.

In most cases this is REAL too!

This was YOUR relationship and describing an ugly picture of the truth actually takes away the value of what you truly shared with her.

Now, of course, you don't have to overglorify a past relationship.

You can look at it in a neutral way and accept the fact that there was good and bad.

In most cases, people do "use" each other when they are in a relationships. Yes! I agree.

First, it goes BOTH ways!

Second, "Using" is not exactly the term that describes best what really goes on between two human beings who share love.

I would go for terms like: sharing, enjoying, loving, caring, fighting, evolving, progressing, etc.

If you still feel that she really used you, then learn from it and identify exactly where you have been naive about her.

Don't see it as a mistake.

Simply see it as a learning experience and don't fall into that specific trap again next time you are confronted with the same type of situation.

Here are typical relationship traps where you might give too much and not get back enough:
  • You give her a pile of money for studies, or starting her own business.
  • You support her a lot with her life dreams but get back nothing.
  • You give up friends and social life because she is very jealous and gives you a hard time when you are not with her.
  • You introduce her to a whole network of people and she ends up cheating on you with one of them.
  • You go out of your way to be with her - You move to another city or country and give up your roots, job and social connections.
  • You resign from a successful career or give up a promissing business idea because she does not support it.

There are many more examples of course, but the key idea here is that, YES! You can shift your destiny line or sacrifice a big part of your personal and emotional foundation to invest it into your relationship.

Once you do that, you might realize that it is not working and it was like a trap.

You end up lost not knowing which direction to go.

If this is your experience, here is what you can do:

  • Go back to the situation you were in before you met her.
  • Realize that in fact she freed you from a life that maybe was not too exciting and that you did in fact learn a lot while with her.
  • You now know that you take a big risk when giving her money gifts.
  • You understand much better the female psyche and you are armed with new tools for your future relationships.
  • Yes, she used you, but sex was great! You had a great time together.

You have many more possible answers your can fill in of course.

After reading these words, if you feel that a key question still stays unanswered, you know where to find me, right?

To your power!