January 22, 2010

Should you be friends with your ex? - ARTICLE

We are entering here into long terms strategies.

In a way thinking about these questions comes later.

This is the moment you already have your full power back and wonder how you will relate to your ex in the future.

You can see 4 general ways you can relate to your ex:

  • Being angry, bitter or upset
  • No contact – Avoiding each other
  • Being in good terms
  • Actively building friendship

When you break up, you have to choose a ground.

In the early stages, seeing her might be a sensitive topic, so you could be in the “angry/bitter” zone.

After a while, you might move into the “being in good terms” area.

Actively building a friendship is a totally different story.

If you are going that way hoping that you will get back together, forget it.

In most situations, you will be used.

Your ex will use you as a confident and ask you to feed her life.

Building an active friendship only works in some isolated cases.

In most situations, you might expect more and fantasize about this turning into a new romance.

The truth is that if she gives you the best friend role, this is probably where she will keep you.

So, my advice is simple:

Aim for simply being in good terms after a few months.

This means that if you meet her by coincidence or if you need to interact with her because of children or work, you want to be able to be friendly and diplomatic.

This is on the long term.

And it is not compulsory!

You don’t have to force yourself in being kind if this is not what you feel.

In the original stages of the break up, you might be bitter and angry.

That’s okay. You don’t have to suppress it.

If it’s the case, simply stay away from her.

Remember that the long term goal is to build a new life foundation where she is not present.

If you give her the power to influence your moves by being this close best friend, she will probably slow you down or try to stop you the moment you create a new relationship with someone else.

Be mature with that.

Don’t be blind!

Recognize the forces at play and realize that having her in your environment might precisely stop your from finding a new love.

If you need to interact with her for practical reasons, it is obvious that a friendly connection is the easiest and most harmonious way to go.

This is what creates a win-win for both of you and requires the minimal input of energy on your side.